It’s a hard realization. A stone cold fact that leaves me with a lump of fear at the base of my throat.

I’ll never be Your “new” again.

That freshness that exists when you meet somebody and their whole world is undiscovered. What jokes of yours will they laugh at hardest? What stories of life do they have to share in the dark of night, setting your soul soaring with the fascination of a strange wonderful creature that you hadn’t even known to exist?

What will they taste like?

Ug.

The flat stomach that’s never born the weight of child. The discovering of siblings and unique favorites and unidentified quirks. New music. New food.

New butterflies.

New orgasms.

No matter how much I love You, love myself, love us…

…I feel old.

–

I told You of these fears today and Your words were the salve I needed.

I may never be Your “new” again. You know my world better than I even do sometimes. You’ve seen me at my very worst: sobbing and snotting, lying… hiding, covered in sweat, covered in vomit. Withdrawing from addiction. Withdrawing from You.

It’s an inevitable occurrence; a natural set of relationship occurrence. It can never be unseen. It can never be erased.

No matter how hard you try, if you make a partnership with another, the histories become all told and the present becomes a parallel. “Newness” cannot exist with permanence.

But Your words made me realize that as we stand at the wake of our newness, it isn’t about a massive loss but instead a million little gains.

In the death of our newness, Your jokes have become our jokes- shared, told by us both, each of us telling the part we reveal best. We have inside jokes, words and phrases and stories that only the other gets, a secret language that nobody else can even try to learn because the secret is shared experience.

You read the tilt of my chin; I have Your body memorized by touch. We come together in the dark of the night to make major decisions for our family, to absorb the wonder of silence that exists when two people can be together and just be, to fuck with the freedom of knowing somebody else’s pleasure like a memorized map.

I know what You’ll taste like, and it’s so fucking delicious. I can’t wait to taste it, You, again.

And I know that I will because out with the new and in with the old ushers in a dependability and security that centers me, cements me, carries me throughout the day.

I’ve made a life with You, made actual human life with You, studied You like a science, listened to Your secrets, encouraged Your evolution, and You’ve done the same for me.

The butterflies have flown but in their place is the burning of a fire that has been roaring for years, now smoldering hot and long withstanding.

Now You only have to whisper “those words” in my ear and our connection, our energy, our training brings forth my undoing.

I’ve never felt older.

I’ve never felt happier.

–

I told You of these fears today and Your words were the salve I needed.
‘You may never be My “new” again. But you will always be My “home.”‘

I’ll do my very best to remember when the doubt creeps in that there is absolutely

no place like home.

–

Kind Regards,
Mrs. Darling

Dearest Master,

Happy Valentine’s Day to You, Sir. my Love. my Husband.

You’ve given me an amazing gift today, though you may not even know it.

You know how we show love throughout the entire year (most emotionally aware family in the history of ever, right? smile God i love our lil family.) So Valentine’s days tend to blur in memory, just a drop in the stream that is our constant state of happy connectedness.

It’s never really been our holiday. So over the years, i’ve adopted it as my holiday. Not just a day for romantic love, but a day for celebrating how much i love myself.

Last night, getting dressed for a celebratory meal out with You, i went to carefully select my accessories. For the first time in a long time, i removed my necklace valet and thumbed through our history. Remember how You told me when we started dating that you’d never gift my jewelry because You simply ‘don’t do that’ in relationships? i’m seeing the first necklace that you ever gave me that broke that forewarning. It looks like trust made out of silver.

And then i thumb through the others, telling the progressive history of “us” according to what has been gifted to wear around my neck.

Can jewelry look aged somehow?

i tuck the necklaces away and removed my silver cleaning cloth. i stare at myself, at Your girl, in the mirror while polishing my collar, and i am overwhelmed with love for myself. Love for who i am, how far i’ve come, the woman growing into her own skin. i think back to who i was before, and i am grateful for your hand to guide me while i transform.

Thanks for all of the love over the years, day in and day out, as reliable as the tide of the Gulf. And thank you for giving me Valentine’s as a day to love my self.

Halloween though. That will always be ours.

All my love,
me

Dearest MRsDarling,

Happy Valentine’s Day. Boy are you loved.

i am so proud of everything accomplished this past year. There are so many places in your life when you could have stopped and held your hands up and said, “Stop! i’m afraid of failing.” But instead you soldiered on, and i’m so proud.

you’ve been hurt but held your head high, been confused and sought advice, apologized when it was due, remained humble in triumph and graceful when things got sticky. You’ve pushed yourself to better yourself, and i love that about you. KEEP LEARNING.

And wow. You look in the mirror and love what you see. Did you ever think you’d see that day? you’ve finally figured out the key to loving yourself: caring. About yourself, not about others. Despite trying your best to find love from other places, finally you find what you seek inside of yourself. It’s forgiveness and acceptance and care all balled up into one. You care about how you look, you care about your health, you care about your emotional and spiritual path.

And those flaws you see? Finally, you understand that those are what make you you. What make you uniquely darling.

As you go about celebrating love today, feel that middle finger next to your wedding band and remember how it felt when it was pricked several months ago with a thorn: the dull, aching pain, the ribbon of blood that ran down to pool at the base of your fingers, the giving of your blood symbolizing your life for another. Show this slave some love today, allow her some pampering to thank her for her hard work, for taking the pain, for giving, and giving, and giving, and giving.

Continue loving yourself this Valentine’s Day. May your heart continue to overflow for you, for your family, for every person on Earth.

Much love,
me