I went out for the evening with Master and a group of others. It was the eve prior to a big family wedding and I was thrilled for the chance to see the group, let off some steam, throw back a few, and dance the night away.

About an hour in, just tipsy enough to brave tiptoeing closer to the dance floor, a (beautiful, wonderful) woman who I know from the local BDSM community sees me, stops me, and the first words out of her mouth were along the lines of: “Darling! I knew that was you, I would recognize your collar anywhere!!”

She embraced me with a big hug, the way we would at any kink event where I look forward to our paths crossing.

But this wasn’t a kink event. And my aunt (mother’s sister) who was in for the wedding was standing two feet to my right.

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If you put your ear to the ground right now you may hear the thumping undercurrent of, “Now… now… *now* is the time to be out,” and quite possibly admonishing if your family and friends aren’t aware of your kink side.

That’s all fine and well and it has even begun to mentally challenge and impact me and my world.

But.

*Every person should have the right to out themselves to the people they choose and in the manner they desire.*

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I know it wasn’t intentional. I am not angry in the slightest. Risk Aware Consensual Kink. We are *risk aware*.

That’s why I write though, for education from not just her faux pas but probably my mistakes of past too. I am sure that I have made the same awkward mistake at some point. If I did, my most humble of apologies. I am so, so, so heartily sorry.

It is so easy for this to happen. We get comfortable together. This woman and I have exchanged dozens of hugs, in various states of undress. I am sure she has seen me cry my mascara off, come onto the floor below me, wait in line for the ladies room together.

Our kink community is small and kind and caring. We like each other. Why *wouldn’t* we say hello crossing paths in the vanilla world?

Because it forces me into a position where I am having to lie to friends and family. Even if not having to explain my scene name and why my “necklace” is being referred to as a “collar,” just the very interaction has to be justified. Families as close as mine ask things like *how do you know her?* and *what’s her name?*

So as I explain away… everything… I am doing exactly the *opposite* of what I want to do. Instead of being out, or continue being silent about the choices in my private life, I am now lying.

As if I am ashamed. As if I have something to hide.

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So a simple rule of thumb *for me* and for the people *who know me*, if you see me outside of a kink event and cannot text me to ask if it’s a cool situation to come say “hi,” let’s agree to mutually give a knowing smile and nod, and continue on with our day’s path.

I promise, I am thrilled to see you. I am thrilled to be in your company even if nobody around us is any the wiser about us knowing each other. I can’t wait to go home and send you a Fet message saying “You looked fucking FAB tonight!” or running to hug your sexy ass the next time we cross paths at a kink event.

Just please, don’t stop and talk to me about Fight Club (Fet Club?) while not *in* the club.

I am grateful for this lesson myself. I will be more conscious, more aware, more diligent. I am glad to grow.

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*(Dear wonderful lady, if you read this, I hope you aren’t upset I am sharing this message and understand why I have addressed it here. I haven’t breathed a word about it to anybody prior to this, and I have no intention on sharing details locally. No harm, no foul, no need to respond. Water entirely under the bridge. I can’t wait until our paths cross on the scene and I can hug your sexy ass again. Big hugs. xoxo darling)*