Fuck you. Middle fingers blazing at you today poly life. Poly ideas. Poly everything.
I’ve been wrecked by you, by your pain, by the hurt of true honesty. You’ve put a spotlight on my most hidden fears, on my greatest insecurities. Insecurities that I had all but conquered in a monogamous marriage.
Fuck that. Fuck you.
I used to be his only. Now He’s divided Himself. Now there are times that He’s distracted. His time’s divided. His heart’s divided. His attention’s divided.
He can go elsewhere.
I’m sick of crying. I’m sick of always fucking growing. I’m sick of being a big person. I’m sick of the talking.
Fuck you and your fucking emotional processing. sniffle
But as I stomp my feet and spew it out (sob it out, let’s be real here) the idiosyncrasies of my own poly modality mocks me.
Fuck…. what exactly? What am I so fucking angry at?
A relationship that is true and honest and real despite it being hard? Being married to a man who I know will never lie to me?
Hidden fears are fears after all. I’ve been afraid of losing Him, afraid of not being enough, afraid of getting old, afraid of becoming commonplace all along. Poly didn’t create that. Poly simply required a conversation about it.
Same with the insecurities. Not pretty enough. Not sensual enough. Not smart enough. Not new enough. Not enough…. to what? Keep Him? That shit has played out forever; the tale as old as time. Even if I could control Him staying with me, would I want that control? Me? The one who desires no control? At least in non-monogamy I have the reassurance that every day He wakes up and shows up because He wants to. He has every other choice in the world to not, but He still does. He chooses me.
And c’mon darlin. Get over yourself. Get over the notion that you were ever His “only.” It’s just that in monogamy He was lying to you and Himself, convincing the world that He was happy that way. And ho ho, little lady, have you forgotten that you want this for yourself too?
On what planet can you have that cake and eat it too?
Sure He’s divided. You are too. That’s life. That’s reality. That’s marriage. Do you really want to live in a relationship mutually exclusive of other people? Nah. Course not.
Crying means you’re living.
Growing means you’re improving.
Being a big person means you’re being true to yourself.
Talking means you’re communicating.
Emotionally processing means you’re caring.
So cry it out. But then buck up. Remember that it’s worth it.
Give one last fuck YOU polyamory.
Then say thank you polyamory. And go back about your business of loving your life and your partner.